Death and LIVING

“Can we make more of the time that we have? Can we be more aware? Can we be more present?”

"We don't allow ourselves to see death as a part of life, which it it's the one thing that we know is going to happen to everybody. Each and every one of us will experience it with ourselves and with everybody we love." —Ben Yalom

Toward the end of the pandemic, my partner and I dealt with a lot of loss — our beloved dog, my 99-year-old grandmother, my partner’s mother, and also friends going through extreme challenges — deaths of their spouses, cancer diagnoses, heart attacks requiring lengthy ICU stays, mental health crises, etc. It was a lot. A truly overwhelming amount of loss and grief to experience over a year and a half.

Thankfully, we’re on the other side of those losses, and almost all of our friends who were ill are doing better now. But those years changed me, and one of the big changes is an awareness of death that wasn’t available to me before. Meaning, death as an intrinsic part of life. 

I’ve found that my deepening awareness of my mortality has led to an equal deepening in my appreciation for life. Being conscious of this has helped me slow down and be more present in my life rather than being pulled constantly forward by the turbulent, rushing waters of modern, technologically driven time. 

This morning, I listened to Chip Conley’s podcast with Ben Yalom and their discussion about aging, life’s changes, and facing death. It’s a beautiful, real, and emotional conversation between two men about life’s hardest moments. Both have experienced losses recently, and Chip is dealing with his own returning and spreading cancer. As the podcast ended I first felt an ache of sorrow for each of them, but then I felt grateful for the truer perspective of life my own grief has given me. Plus, their conversation reminded me again that these tough emotions and realities belong to all of us, and by sharing them, our suffering isn’t ours alone.

The podcast also reminded me of two books I read during my own overwhelming grief, and I appreciate them for different reasons. The first is With the End in Mind by Dr. Kathryn Mannix, a British psychologist and palliative care physician. It is a gorgeously written book that demystifies the natural, organic process our bodies experience when approaching death. We have relegated death to hospitals with fluorescent lights, beeping machines, and extending life at all costs, even when it’s not what the body or patient wants. Dr. Mannix’s book is soulful and compassionate, reminding us that death is natural and not something to fear. 

The second book is Bronnie Ware’s Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. Bronnie was a palliative care giver in her native Australia, whose experience with people at the end of their lives led to a realization that many of her patients expressed similar regrets. The joyful takeaway of this book (or Bronnie’s TED talk or the numerous podcasts she’s appeared on) is that awareness of these typical regrets can become awareness for all of us to live more individually authentic and engaged lives NOW.

And this is the common thread — live now. Be present. Let go of old stories and what you’re carrying from the past. Try not to focus too much on the future. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Love and be grateful. Despite whatever challenges, pressures, and difficulties your life holds, are you OK in this moment? Take a deep breath. And be here.